{dedicated to the beautiful birthday princess Kelli}

Alamo is an interesting place to hire a car. When doing a little research on the internet prior to departure Cagey found it interesting that both Travis and Bowie where killed there. Not wanting to cause trouble in such a musically hostile place, he covered up his Radio Paradise logo and stepped quietly into the empty reception and waited for assistance in apprehensive air conditioned coolness.

A spritely girl arrived with a big "heeeyllo" and asked for details which were provided but not as expected it seemed. The girl hit the keyboard in frustration and frowned at the computer screen "aawww" she exclaimed. She peered straight at Cagey and asked the questions over again, and again, beating up the poor keyboard with all the skill and precision of a shadow warrior, but with the demented look of a Vegas slot machine addict whilst continuing to stare intensely at our hero, which he found more than disconcerting. Not once did she look down as her arms flailed, the keys rattled and clattered under the pressure, then a final whack!....and then silence. She looked down, as if waiting on the final lemon to complete the row, she squinted at the monitor and said something under her breath.

She picked up a nearby walkie-talkie and squawked something, a squawked reply came back. She said something further and looked at Cagey as if awaiting a reply. "Sorry, what was the question?" enquired Cagey, "um, oh no I wasn't talking to you" squashing up her mouth towards 'talkie' part of the handset and then said very slowly and quietly, in a whisper soft barely discernable voice "I was talking to the reeeetard", a squawked response flew immediately back, she squinted and listened as if the static returning held some mysterious secret message she couldn't quite decode.

All smiles, she slammed down the squawky-talkie, and returned to squinting at the computer screen, hit a couple of keys in a manor which for all the world seemed random, whilst singing the words "there you go" and holding out a set of keys with her free hand. "Thank you".

Now, it should be noted driving in the US is an interesting activity for an English fop. Firstly, (if you're the driver) you should be sitting on the left side of the car, not the right. Secondly, you should be driving on the right side of the road, not the left. Thirdly, you'll be driving an automatic vehicle with the shift on the right, not a manual shift with the gear stick on the left. You rear-view mirror will remain centred in the front of the car, but to your right side not your left. Door mirrors do remain attached to the front doors, though your sitting closer to the one on the left, than you are to the one on the right and finally, and without a shadow of a doubt the singular most curious thing of all to remember - the word centre is spelt center, as in Kennedy Space, not centre as in middle, just to confuse things even more.

Also, a word of caution to the technically adventurous, there are all manner of mechanical and electronic 'things' with which to tinker, but don't worry, because the hire car or SUV will come complete with a comprehensive set of absolutely no manuals or instructions what so ever, at no extra charge. You're on your own.

Finally, a note about driving conditions. Some roads have tolls, some roads have rolls, none have rails, but all have big trucks, that's BIG trucks, and a red Ford pickup doing 65 in the slow lane whilst the driver wrestles with a doughnut (from Miss Jenn's bakery on the 192, nr. marker 10). Usually there's 1/2 eaten nachos and a can of sprite on the dashboard, at least one loose or missing hubcap and a dawg in the back. He'll never move from the slow lane, but don't worry, by the end of your vacation (read holiday) you'll be overtaking him, on the inside!

With these things in mind, and after studying the controls for precisely no seconds, adjusting the seat in all directions and then setting it back to pretty much its original position, Cagey finally fired up the engine and proceeded [beep beep] down the wrong side of [beep beep] the road to the exit [beep beep]. "What the hell is that [beep beep] noise" he said out loud whilst swerving [beep beep] across the road in the realisation [beep beep] he was on the wrong side. The [beep beep] guy in the security booth simply [beep beep] waved him through with a look of incredulity [beep beep] so convincing he'd obviously spent many hours in front of the mirror, lost numerous friends and hypnotised several cats perfecting it [beep].

Ahh [beep], 'pull to release parking [beep beep] brake' .... [embarrassed silence] oops!

55 mph and cruising in the general direction of 'South', "Maybe a little radio?" Cagey thought and pushed the button, just as the DJ described to a caller the "greatness of the man" and proceeded to play a fitting tribute.

A man attempting to eat a doughnut in a red Ford pickup swerved off the road whilst undertaking an SUV full of milky-white tourists distracted by their animated rendition of Copa Cabana.....his dawg looked on, raised his eyebrows (giving him a quite human look of resignation) as they careered off down the grassy embankment.